Letting go of the Small Things

Gridlocked 

     This is such a strange word, but this does happen in marriages. This is when partners cannot can not find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements. I know that my husband and I have been guilty of this before, after arguing about having something a certain way and then finally just giving up and not ever solving the issue, but also not doing anything about it. We all have our stubborn days, a few weeks ago I had a weekend planned out. I really wanted to get up early on Saturday go to the gym, then to breakfast, and then go to the mall of something. My husband had other plans (which he never does on the weekends) he wanted to go to the local gun show and then was going to play basketball with a couple of his friends. We both were being stubborn and would not give in to the other. There was a way that we could compromise and do it all, but instead we gridlocked and just got very upset. I explained that I had looked forward to this all week, and I didn't think that I needed to tell him anything because he NEVER has anything planned and is always asking what we can do on the weekends. He told me that he had no idea I had these big plans and instead of just hanging out at home he wanted to do something. We both experienced gridlock and were being very stubborn. We ended up going to breakfast and then coming home to clean the house, so neither one of us was able to do what we wanted to that day. If we would of had some of these activities suggested in the book written by Gottman, perhaps we could of compromised and we could of had an enjoyable day. SO if you ever experience gridlock I am going to give you a couple activities that might help!

First here are some of the signs of gridlock:
1.  You've had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
2.  Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3.  The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as times goes on. 
4.  Compromising seems impossible because it would mean selling out- giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self. 

What are some ways that we can overcome gridlock?


Step #1: EXPLORE THE DREAMS
To get started, choose a particular gridlocked conflict to work on. Next you will write an explanation of your postition. What are you trying to relay to your spouse? Try not to criticize or blame your spouse. Then you will write the story of the hidden dreams that underlie your postition. Explain where these dreams come from and why they are so meaningful to you. This will help your spouse better understand your point of view. After you have written you dreams down, each person will have 15 minutes to talk about their point and then 15 minutes to listen to the other speak about their point.  Next is the dream catcher's magic questions. Here are a few.
1. What do you believe about this issue? Do you have some values, ethical ideas, or other beliefes that relate to your position on this issue? 
2. What are all the things you feel about this issue? 
3. What does your position mean to you? 
4. What is your ideal dream here?


Step #2: SOOTHE
When we are discussing our dreams, it can be stressful. We need to make sure that we are paying attention to how our spouse is reacting to the conversation. If we are feeling stressed our self it is important to tell our spouse. We can recall what flooding is, this can occur is we are not careful and then the conversation does not get anywhere. We need to make sure that we soothe our self and our spouse if we can see that frustration is beginning to occur. 


Step #3: REACH A TEMPORARY COMPROMISE 
Now that our spouse knows our dreams and expectations, it is important to begin the task of making peace with this issue, accepting the differences between you, and establishing some kind of initial compromise that will help you continue to discuss the problem amicably. We need to understand that our purpose is not to solve the conflict- most likely it will never go away completely. Instead the goal is to defang the issue, to try to remove the hurt so that the problem stops being a source of great pain. 
Next we need to remember that there are Nonnegotiable areas and there are Areas of Flexibility. 
We all know that each circumstance is different when it comes to this, depending on the argument. There are small things in marriage that can tear us apart if we are not careful and letting go of these things is the best thing that we can do. I can name a few in my own marriage that I need to let go. The first one is my husband will not always look like a model when he leaves the house. The second one, he will always be looking at guns and wanting to add to his collection of guns, and the last one he will never keep is truck shiny and clean. As soon as I started realizing this, I was able to be happier in my marriage because I let go of the small things!!!